Meet Me First Melanie

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Me First Melanie always sits in the front seat, so she can be the first person off the bus.  She always rushes to be near the window, sitting proudly with her chest out and talking loudly for all to hear.  She is a confident girl who loves her some Melanie.

Me First Melanie is the queen of selfies and is forever updating her social accounts. Here’s Melanie out shopping.  Here’s Melanie out with friends.  Melanie. Melanie. Melanie.  You will know what she’s doing at all times.

Me First Melanie is trendy.  She’s always wearing the latest clothes and accessories, full makeup, and carrying around the newest iPhone to take her photos (her parents bought it for her).  Everything she owns is the best and she lets you know all about it.

She’s often so busy talking about herself that she doesn’t ask how you’re doing.  She’s already planning what she’s going to say next.  And your birthday?  Well she might remember it a few weeks later.

She’s the one who makes the plans and has others follow (they are usually planned around what works or is convenient for her).  And when you are out with her, she has no problem leaving the group to hang out with someone she sees as better.  She puts her wants and needs before others.  It’s all about her.

What does Me First Melanie want others to know?

She wants people to know that she feels socially awkward.  She says the wrong things and then kicks herself for it later.  Why did I say that?!? I meant to say… Now they’re going to think…  Me First Melanie also gets excited about things and doesn’t know how to share them in a way that doesn’t sound like bragging.  She ends up saying it as she sees it, which is usually taken in different ways.

Me First Melanie comes across as overconfident, arrogant actually, but she’s really insecure.  She constantly compares herself to others and doesn’t feel like she measures up.  She’s just trying to fit in and belong.

What has Me First Melanie given me?

Thank you, Me First Melanie.  You have given me the courage to shape my own life and make my own decisions.

You made me strong enough to leave my small town of 1, 200 to go to a university 20 hours away from home (where I didn’t know anyone).  It was what I wanted and was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I ended up meeting my husband, my closest friends, and I came out of my elementary / high school shell.  It was exactly what I needed.

Even decisions like our wedding were shaped by what Eric and I wanted, not the expectations of others.  We were married up at my parents’ cabin, standing beside the lake.  We ate Dairy Queen ice cream cake (as our wedding cake) and danced outside under the trees.  I later ditched my dress for a pair of jeans and a hoodie.  There was no aisle or his/her sides; instead, our friends and family stood around us casually at the shore with drinks in hand.  We loved it.  Me First Melanie is the voice that tells me to go ahead and do what’s right for me (and in this case, us).

And yet despite all that she has given me in terms of finding my own way, Me First Melanie is also a part of myself that I am so ashamed of.  She brings me so much guilt, especially now that I’m a mom.  It’s become a crazy clash.

I pretty much feel guilty all the time.  I feel guilty when I’m frustrated after one of our kids has a cat nap instead of the usual 2 hours (because it means the end of some quiet, alone time).  I feel bad when I sleep longer than my husband in the morning, leaving him to get up with the kids when they wake up.  I feel selfish going out for an hour to write before Eric goes to work.  Maybe he would like to go to the gym…if I was home then I could keep the kids busy while he got breakfast ready…Me First Melanie and I are not getting along lately.

It’s something I’m working through and some days I feel better at it than others.  But Me First Melanie and motherhood have taught me that I do care a lot about other people, and that often it’s not me that comes first.  I just need to channel my Me First Melanie for good – to take time for myself when I need it and to be aware of when I’m wanting it too much at the expense of others.

 

I should add that with my little bus people, I don’t totally see myself in every characteristic of them. If you asked my friends, I remember birthdays (or think that I do). I don’t talk loudly for all to hear and taking selfies makes me super uncomfortable.

I care about asking people how they are doing.  And if you were to see me on the street, I am not wearing the latest clothes, very likely no makeup at all, and I wish I had the newest iPhone.  But there are definitely parts of myself that I do see in her.  By writing about her, I hope to accept who I am and stop being so hard on myself.  Self-awareness can be quite a gift.

If you want to know why I’m writing about this stuff, I’ve explained it in a post I wrote called: Protective Patty and My Why.  If you want to meet my other bus people (and get to know me a little more), check out:

Perfectionist Pippi
& Fake Francis

 

Thanks for reading,
Lainie 🙂

2 thoughts on “Meet Me First Melanie

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