I’ve Been Feeling Very Lost. Just Putting It Out There.

This was me…

I still remember watching this movie when it came out (yup, 1999). I remember thinking, this is me. I don’t think I know how I like my eggs either. It might sound dumb but I think even back then I knew something was off.

My husband often describes things as “very Lainie.” A magazine, an article he just read, or a pair of shoes.

I reconnected with a university roommate after almost 15 years, her comment: I love your house.  It’s so you.

It feels like friends and family around me have a better sense of who I am, than I do.

I’ve met women who have felt they lost themselves in motherhood.  For me, I think I lost myself a long time ago.  Worrying about being successful and having a career, I left art behind. I tried to sneak in some crafty projects here and there amongst my work, but it was never a focus or priority.  Why would it be?

Maternity leave had me step away from the steady push forward in work and left me sitting alone with myself for the first time in a long time.  It was weird.   What do I do with my time?  Work has defined me for so long.  What are my interests?

So I’ve found myself in a weird place over the last 2.5 years (with 3 consecutive mat leaves).  It has been one of feeling lost and starting to find my way back again.  For those who know me and have been following my blog and new Instagram account, you’ve noticed the crafty and creative Lainie has been coming out.

I’ve started a personal project and have decided to make it a little more public. My 101 Lainie Projects is my way of finding myself and doing what I love. I want to know this Lainie that everyone talks about.

So over the last month or so, I’ve been dabbling, experimenting, and learning — which is very Lainie (hence the name change of my blog — formerly called Hodgepodge).

With 101 Lainie Projects, I’m going to try a bunch of different things – at least 101 things.  I’m going to take classes that interest me.  I’m going to make stuff.  I’m going to read even more.  And even though it feels a bit weird to do, I’m going to share as I go along.  I’m doing it for a few reasons.

First, maybe there’s someone else out there that feels lost too.  By sharing my road trip (I hate the word journey, ugh) it might help someone start theirs. Second, I need some accountability to get going in some areas.  I’m someone who can live in my head all day long.  Over-thinking, strategizing, planning, worrying, worrying, worrying…I just need to do it.  Sharing publicly will force me to just get started already and to keep it going.

I’m going to start sharing this project on my blog. I already have a huge list of things I want to try. I also hope to share what I learn and discover along the way (I post a lot of my stuff on Instagram).

Watch out, this girl is not only going to know her favourite way to eat eggs, she’s going to know what she values, what brings her happiness, and how to enjoy those little moments in the day with her kids even more.

I’m excited and a little scared. I have no idea where this will take me and it’s pretty personal stuff to share.  But my motto for this year is f**&%  it.  So let’s do this.